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The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 114 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's Dressing Room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 18 2nds 'til curtain, Ms. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'm so thrilled you're here to help all of us out." Scooter: "That's good, 'cause we're preparing for Fozzie's birthday party." Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........ Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Dakota Fanning, yaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started '' ''on the most sensational '' ''inspirational celebrational Muppetational '' ''this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show.......... Party Noise Maker Sounds Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very special night 'cause our guest star is Miss (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Fozzie: "Kermit, I'm super excited that you guys have decided to give me a wocka, wocka birthday party." Kermit: "Well happy wocka, wocka birthday, Fozzie." Fozzie: "Thanks a bunch." Kermit, Walter, Muppet friends and Guest Star: For he's a lucky good bear friend for he's a lucky good bear friend for he's a lucky good bear friend which nobody can deny Kermit: "Okay, everybody, here's the opening musical number." Opening musical number:Life's a Happy Song (Muppet friends version) Rowlf: On Piano Keys Kermit: Everything is great Miss Piggy: everything is grand Walter: we got the whole wide world in the palm of our hands Link Hogthrob: everything is perfect Denise: it's falling into place Gonzo: I can't seem to wipe this smile off my face Rowlf: life's a happy song Bean: when there's someone by your side to sing along Continues In Background Lew Zealand: everything is great we'll live happily ever after Scooter: and we'll keep giving the world '' ''the 3rd greatest gift laughter Swedish Chef: zee mufee's elmust oofer, it's teeme tu sey su lung Robin: "Oh boy, I really love this song." Rizzo: life's a happy song Yolanda: when there's someone by your side to sing along Continues In Background Female Muppet friends: we got everything '' ''that we need we can be whatever we wanna be Male Muppet friends: nothing we can't do Kermit: skies are blue and there's me and you and all of you Rowlf: life's a happy song Beauregard: when there's someone by your side to sing Bunsen: life's a happy song Beaker: mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee, mee Scooter: life's a happy song Sweetums: when there's someone Uncle Deadly: someone Clifford: by your side Rizzo: to sing along Continues With Fading Walter: Triumphantly Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.......... Waldorf: "I once heard this song back in 2011." Statler: "Well technically, Waldorf, we've always been a team." Waldorf: "The excitement never ends!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." B''ear on Patrol'' sketch number: A stolen golden sparkle gem Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, come right this way, just a little more, perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This dog was caught stealing a golden sparkle gem from the crystal caverns." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see, tell me your name please, Mr. Dog sir." Rowlf: "I'm Rowlf the Dog and I'm innocent, I would never steal anything from the crystal caverns." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans his index finger right across the innocent list and finds Rowlf's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rowlf, you're innocent after all, you can let him go right now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Thanks, Officer Hogthrob sir." Fozzie/Patrol Bear releases Rowlf from his handcuffs. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "I once read mystery detective books in my entire life Waldorf: "I watched mystery detective movies myself." Statler: "How mysterious!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: Outdoor activities Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st name), what's your most favorite outdoor activitiy?" Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I like watering the flower plants and going on beach walks." Kermit: "Well, I like going on nature walks myself." The Swedish Chef sketch number: Chocolate lava brownies Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, it's gunna be-a chuculete-a lefa broonies." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot a lerge-a meexing bool." The Swedish Chef gets out a large mixing bowl and puts it right on the counter top. Swedish Chef: "Zeen, ve-a coot oopee zee beg veet sceessurs und puoor in zee brooneee-a meex." The Swedish Chef cuts open the bag with scissors and pours in the brownie mix. Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a thurd coop ooff veter, (he puts in 1/3 cup of water.) oone-a lerge-a igg, (he cracks in 1 large egg.) und oone-a thurd coop ooff fegeteble-a ooeel." (he puts in 1/3 cup of vegetable oil.) Swedish Chef: "Noo let's meex up zee ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients, greases the 9 inch by 9 inch baking pan, pours the mixed ingredients right into it, then he preheats the oven to 325 degrees. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef bakes the chocolate lava brownie batch right into the oven for 52 minutes. Timer Dings Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a tu teke-a zeem ooootta zee oofee." The Swedish Chef takes the chocolate lava brownies outta the oven, then later on, when they're cooled down completely, he begins cutting them carefully in rectangles. Rectangle Brownie Number 1: "Man, am I lucky to be cooled down, that oven sure was toasty in here." Rectangle Brownie Number 2: "I agree with you here, buddy." Rectangle Brownie Number 3: "It sure was hot and humid in here." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........ Waldorf: "Chocolate lava brownies smell super good as blueberry muffins." Statler: "banana cream pie is very rich in creamy goodness." Waldorf: "Slow down on the baked goods!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Language Translator 200 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Another day of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions." Link Hogthrob: "Here we go again." Dr. Strangepork: "Check this out, you guys, it's my new invention: the Language Translator 200." Link Hogthrob: "What does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It translates from English to French, Spanish, German and Japanese language." Dr. Strangepork pulls the trigger and it works completely. Dr. Strangepork: "And there you have it." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Nani ga-" ("What the-") Link Hogthrob: "Naze totsuzen nihongo de hanasu nodesu ka?" ("Why are we suddenly speaking in Japanese language?") Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Watashitachi no gengo o eigo ni modoshite kudasai." ("Switch our language back to English language, please.") Dr. Strangepork pulls the trigger again and it works completely. Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Finally." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork protect the Swinetrek? will the solution involve jettisoning Captain Link Hogthrob? does 1st Mate Piggy know the answer to 16 down? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaace!" Backstage Guest Star: "Okay, we got everything we need for Fozzie's birthday party, the tater chips, twisted cheese puffs, popcorn balls, chocolate mousse cupcakes and ice cream bars." Kermit: "Wow, that sure is a lot of sweets and goodies to count." Walter comes in with a picture painting of Fozzie that he's holding up. Walter: "Look at this picture painting of Fozzie, you guys, I painted it myself." Guest Star: "That's wonderful, Walter, Fozzie's gonna like it when he sees it at his birthday party." Walter: "I agree here." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Clifford as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So then I said Quit complainin', you got 8 more o''f them, haven't you? it was a riot." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you're 'terrible horrible." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "And for once, she's not speaking about your ''medical skills''." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Now then--is there anything you'd like me to cut off?" Clifford/Patient: "What...? no, no, Dr. Bob, I got terrible ''pains'' in my ''knee caps''." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Hmm....they sound alright to me, that's a G sharp, isn't it?" Clifford/Patient: "How can you possibly tell?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Dr. Bob has ''perfect pitch'', so if your room ever needs ''re-sealing'', you know who to call." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Tell you what--I'll give you some ''cream'' to rub on ''twice daily''." Clifford/Patient: "On my knee caps?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "No, you can ''stand up'' if you wanna." Announcer: "Will' Nurse Piggy tell Dr. Bob that he's just given his patient a pot of 'industrial strength glue? will Nurse Janice yet learn how to play the spoons? does Dr. Bob still have the ''cereal box'' in which he found his ''medical degree''? tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, have you got any ''advice'' for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Yes, of course, a little ''chickory'' can make coffee taste ''much'' smoother." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Clifford should use more control of his proper body." Waldorf: "Well he should use more balance." Statler: "It was a ''major'' Charlie Horse!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: Whoopee Cushion Sneakers Ticking [Muppet Labs ''Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Hello and welcome again to ''Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, my faithful assistant, Beaker and I are demonstrating our latest invention." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mee mo, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Today, we're demonstrating whoopee cushion sneakers, if you're feeling a bit bored stiff, try using whoopee cushion sneakers for a super good laughter, which Beaker will now demonstrate (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, give them a go." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Just as you can see, they also keep you entertained, at a circus or a talent showl." Beaker suddenly faints to the floor. Bunsen: "Oh my goodness gracious, Beaker, your feet must've cut the cheese." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee!" Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time for this evening, so join us next time, at ''Muppet Labs w''here the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "Dr. Honeydew must've whoopee cushioned Beaker." Statler: "Just as long as it doesn't stink up the entire theater,it's okay by me." Waldorf: "Whoopee cushion ''deflated''!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage........ Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Scooter and Rowlf to perform the closing musical number. Closing musical number: Ob La Di, Ob La Da Rowlf: On Piano Keys Again Scooter: ''Desmond has a barrel in the market place'' Rowlf: ''Molly is the singer in a band'' Scooter: ''Desmond says to Molly '' ''girl I like your face'' Rowlf: ''and Molly says this '' ''as she takes him by the hand'' Scooter and Rowlf: ''ob la di '' ''ob la da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra la, la'' ''how the life goes on'' Scooter and Rowlf (continued): ''Ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra'' la,la ''' how the life goes on Rowlf: Desmond takes a trolley to the jeweller's stores Scooter: buys a 20 carat golden ring Rowlf: takes it back to Molly waitin' at the door Scooter: and as he gives it to her she begins to sing Scooter and Rowlf: Ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da life goes on '' ''bra la, la '' ''how the life goes on Scooter and Rowlf (continued): Ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra La, la '' ''how the life goes on,yeah '' Scooter: ''In a couple of years '' ''they have built a home sweet home Rowlf: with a couple of kids runnin' in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones Scooter: happy ever after in the market place Rowlf: Desmond lets the children lend a hand Scooter: Molly stays at home and does her pretty face Rowlf: and in the evenin' '' ''she still sings it with the band Scooter: "Yes." Scooter and Rowlf: ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra la, la '' ''how the life goes on Rowlf: "Hey." Scooter and Rowlf (continued): ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra la, la '' ''how the life goes on Rowlf: in a couple of years they have built a home sweet home Scooter: with a couple of kids running in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones Rowlf: "Yeah." Rowlf: happy ever after in the market place Scooter: Molly lets the children lend a hand Rowlf: Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face Scooter: and in the evening '' ''she's a singer with the band Rowlf: "Yeah." Scooter and Rowlf: ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra la, la '' ''how the life goes on Scooter: "Yeah." Scooter and Rowlf (continued): ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da '' ''life goes on '' ''bra la, la '' ''how the life goes on Scooter and Rowlf: and if you want some fun take ob-la-di '' ''ob-la-da....... Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again......... Statler: "I enjoy that song more than anything in the universe." Waldorf: "They're fantastic." Statler: "As if!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star Kermit: "Thanks a bunch, my good friends, you were all such a wonderful audience, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm welcome to Miss (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives out onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, it feels wonderful to be here with all of you at Fozzie's birthday party." Kermit: "You're welcome, (Guest Star's 1st Name), it's time for the birthday gifts, everybody." Kermit gives Fozzie his gift to him and Fozzie opens it. Fozzie: "Wow, a joke book, thanks a bunch, Kermit." Kermit: "You're welcome, Fozzie." Rowlf gives Fozzie his gift to him and Fozzie opens it as well. Fozzie: "A whoopee cushion, thanks a bunch, Rowlf." Rowlf: "You're welcome." Scooter gives Fozzie his gift to him and Fozzie opens it as well too. Fozzie: "A pair of Groucho Marx glasses, thanks a bunch, Scooter." Scooter: "You're welcome, Fozzie." Gonzo gives Fozzie his gift to him and Fozzie opens it as well too. Fozzie: "Thanks a bunch, Gonzo, you always knew I really loved rubber chickens." Gonzo: "So do I, Fozzie, I thought you would enjoy it." Walter gives Fozzie his gift to him and Fozzie opens it as well too. Fozzie: "A snake in a jar, thanks a bunch, Walter." Walter: "You're welcome." Kermit: "Okay, everybody, we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show." Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts